LiveSlow

Outcome

"Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."  Romans 12:9

I have been avoiding my neighbors - the ones I wrote about in Hard Core Part 2.  I've been avoiding them because I needed to teach my son a lesson and I thought time would bring a little healing.  Instead, for me, it's only gotten worse.  Every time I walk my dog, I look down at their end of the street and feel sadness and disappointment.  I also feel mad. 

"Sincere" in the scripture above literally translates "unhyprocritical".  True love must be unhypocritical and I'm in danger of being a hypocrite in this matter.   I know what needs to be done - what God wants me to do - but I don't want to.  I also know that because I'm a follower of Christ, I need to take the first step towards total reconciliation.  

"Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant will also be, My Father will honor the one who serves me."  John 12:26

This has to end with me.  At times this week, I've resolved to make amends and then the desire passes away and I feel crusty again.  I asked God to help me understand my reluctance about extending myself in love and to shine a light in the dark area of my heart and of course He did.  It's pride.  

When she attacked me, she not only unjustly came after my son, she targeted the one area of my life in which I feel moderately competent.  She attacked my parenting.   I strive to be a "good" parent; a Godly parent to my kids, and she (unbeknownst to her) honed in on the one area that gets right at my heart.  God also showed me that I've been worrying about the outcome.  All sorts of "What ifs....." clutter my mind but He let me know that the outcome is not my concern, it's His.

I feels better knowing, but my human nature still wants a little revenge.  Instead, I'm going to buy her flowers for her garden and bake cookies for her family because when I prayed about what to do, this came to mind:

".....If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."  Romans 12:20

I only remembered the "if your enemy is hungry, feed him" part, but now that I looked up the rest of the scripture, the "burning coals" part makes me smile.  And just so you don't think too highly of me, I've been editing out the many snarky comments that have been popping into my mind as I write about this.  She's not my true enemy, but the enemy of my soul isn't going to win this one.  

I'll let you know what happens.  

About last night

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"  Isaiah 52:7

Have you ever needed encouragement and at exactly the right time, you get a phone call, an e-mail or a voice message?  It happened for me today and let me tell you....how beautiful are the feet of my callers!  Ok, not their literal feet - I have no idea what they look like.  I'm talking about the timing of their well placed phone calls.  This morning, two of my friends called out of the blue, but both at the exact point of my discouragement. They must have called at the same time because both calls went to my voice mail: 

Rhonda's message:  "Hey Erika, I was just calling to see how you were and if your mess got cleaned up.  Just checking to see how everything's going."

Robyn's said:  "Hey girl, I was just checking on you to see how last night went."

Both of these women are my neighbors.  The house I just moved into was Rhonda's before she bought her new home and Robyn lives in the house diagonal to me.  Rhonda was calling about the flooding we had last week, due to the air conditioner pump breaking.  The messages are no big deal - "just checking", but neither knew that I needed a little encouragement about last night.  

Last night - at 11:30 to be exact - my daughter used the bathroom on our main level and when she flushed, water came shooting through the toilet with an explosive force.  Within 20 seconds it flooded the bathroom and kitchen, made its way into her bedroom closet, and leaked through the floor into the garage. It caused a commotion to say the least.  My husband was already in bed and the kids freaked out despite years of training on what to do when something spills, which by the way is a huge complaint of mine.  Is it only my children that just stand there when something spills or leaks?  Have I not trained them with my screaming for years, "DON'T JUST STAND THERE, GET A TOWEL OR SOMETHING!!!" I had my husband running around in his underwear taking pictures of it with his Iphone. But I digress.

I was so frustrated this morning as I surveyed the damage and made a call to my landlord.  Just talking with Rhonda lifted my spirits and we laughed as I told her about being infested with ants, palmetto bugs and the oven door falling off when I opened it to take out my cookies.  "Man!  It's like the house is haunted since you moved in.  I'm so sorry!" she said.  We both know what's at work here, but just knowing that someone cares and is praying for me lifts my spirits immensely.  It lets me know that while I struggle with spiritual warfare and the irritations of daily living, God hasn't forgotten about me and sends His people for comfort. I haven't talked with Robyn yet and don't know why she called to see how last night went, but she'll get an earful when we connect. 

Stubborn Ass

"See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:15 

Sometimes God wants to do a new thing in me and I become afraid because of an old thing.  It may be due to an old negative experience, an old bad attitude or an old fear that suddenly reappears.  I've been wrestling with this lately because the leadership of my church asked me to take on the role of "volunteer coordinator."  This is a role I've played before and have turned down in other places recently because let's face it, people run from Volunteer Coordinators.

Volunteer Coordinator.  The more I say it, the more distasteful it sounds, but here's the problem.... I'm pretty good at it.  I don't know how it even happened this time because I've been serving as the leader of a different team and this wasn't on my radar.  There are aspects of the role however, that highly appeal to me.  I love seeing lives transformed by Christ through service to others.  I love helping people discover their spiritual gifts and watching them blossom in ways they've never imagined. 

I've prayed about it all week and this morning before church, I took my Bible, opened it on my lap and prayed, "Lord, let me just rest with you today and hear your voice."  A gentle breeze blew the page over so I looked down at the passage: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3-4.  I decided I should serve in this position.

By the time I got out of the shower I'd changed my mind and was prepared to explain, all the reasons why I couldn't.  This, by the way, is why churches need Volunteer Coordinators to begin with.  It's because people like me get tapped for certain tasks we don't necessarily want to do.  We make excuses like, "I'm too busy."  "I have other plans." or "I think God has something else in mind for me."  

Instead of serving like Christ, we wait for something that's more convenient and doesn't take too much time, energy or sacrifice.  Here's the other problem, I'm gifted for this role. My spiritual gifts line up perfectly here.  So what's the big obstacle?  There are two - me and my husband.  Me because I've got plans.  My husband because if I did this, I'd have to be ultra disciplined so it didn't get in the way of his plans.  That's a lot of extra work and sacrifice and it tires me out just thinking about it, so I decided it wasn't for me.

Then I went to church and you guessed it, my pastor was preaching on the exact same verse in Philippians 2:3-4. Then he got out a towel and a bowl of water and moved on to his next verse as he washed the feet of one of our church's volunteers.  He told the story of Jesus' washing his disciples' feet (John 13:5-17) which is the verse that inspired me to clean the church office in the first place, so I was in tears.  "I hear you Lord." I prayed, and apologized for my selfishness and reluctance at serving in that role. By the time I'd gotten to my car I started to have doubts again.  As I was driving home I prayed, "I'm not sure God.  I know I have to trust you with this but is it gonna be a new thing or is it just a big distraction? I need to really hear from you!"  Just then, a big, black, jacked-up truck pulled in front of me with this sign painted in the rear window:

                                                  

                                                   Stubborn 

                                                        Ass

Have you ever prayed for a sign from God?  Have you ever gotten one?  I don't doubt I did; He just told me about the way I've been acting. Now I know what I have to do.  Clearly. I heard it through scripture, I heard it through a Godly man and I saw the sign I prayed for (although that was NOT what I expected.) God speaks to us today.  I will follow and I'm grateful that He leads...

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me."  Jesus (John 10:14)

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me."  Jesus (John 10:27)

Hard core - Part 2

I felt it before I realized what it was.  Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling icky - like something's not quite right, but you don't know what?  That's how I felt a few days ago when I went to get my son from his friend "Steve's" house.  Steve's mom was outside and we talked as usual, but there was an edge to her voice.  I was so tired from the constant company and the moving that it only hovered around the fringes of my conscious mind.  She said that her boys hadn't been down to my end of the street because they'd gotten in trouble for peeing in someone's shower, while they were supposed to be at my home.  She mentioned Spike's name, but I hadn't heard the story from him. After all, what 8-year old boy is going to own up to that?  I asked him about it on the walk home and he said, "Oh yeah, that was "Bob" (another kid).  I could believe it.  Bob and Steve pee all over the neighborhood.

Two days ago Spike came home upset.  He told me that his other friend's mom said he couldn't play on their end of the street anymore; my stomach sank.  He was friends with that boy, but not like with Steve.  This boy - I'll call him Joey - was older and a tough kid, kind of like a semi-friendly bully.  His mom can only be characterized as a "tough girl".  We don't have much in common except our sons, but I like her well enough and have made a concerted effort to get to know her.  She's always telling me stories about how she's kicking one kid or another off of her street for various infractions, so I knew Spike wasn't exaggerating.  I also knew this wasn't going to go away or get any better with time, so I went to try to work things out.  I prayed to God that she'd be open to a conversation and I asked Him to strengthen me and make me like His son.  Thank God I did, because it was the only thing that prepared me for the verbal barrage of accusations and insults.  To make a long story short, she yelled at me for many things:  some of which were totally unfounded and some of which held a grain of truth.  An example of both...

Unfounded:  I let my child go wherever he wants - unsupervised.

Truth:  He rides his bike near her truck and rings the doorbell on her gate.

She kept spewing all sorts of things and I kept saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way "Debbie".  If I'd known and you'd come to me when these things were happening we could have talked about it." At one point she stood, hands on hips and yelled, "I'm not going to get into this with you right now!"  I just stood there. Frustration, anger, and rage were in her voice and face, and at one point I noticed that her hands were shaking.  She mentioned that she wasn't the only one who had problems with Spike...there were "others". She said she was tired of her son getting blamed for things (he has a reputation).  I said, "So basically you and the other neighbors have been talking about us behind our backs and no one's bothered to talk to us directly?"  Her reply was filled with much stuttering and blaming and she continued spewing. I continued to listen, didn't try to argue my points or refute her and to my surprise, everything started turning around.  She began apologizing for not talking to me, she started telling me about other things that had been frustrating her and how she'd just lost it and blew up on Spike and the other kid he was with.  All of a sudden she came from behind her fence and said, "I'm going to come over and just give you a hug." And she did. I think I hugged her back - I'm not sure because I was weirded out - and then she said, "I love you."

At that point, "Steve's" mom came down from her deck and pitched in her two cents.  I knew she was watching the whole time and that's when tears started to form in my eyes.  I tried so hard to hold it back, but for over a year she and I had actually formed a friendship and I was surprised by her silence.  Unlike Debbie, she's a Christian and unlike Debbie, she didn't apologize for her contribution to the mess.  I cried all the way home.  I turned my disappointment over to God and gave my son a big hug, because he honestly didn't understand what'd happened.  I don't know what will become of it all, but I'm going to let God and time apart do the healing in all of us.   

Jesus was hard core; His love made a lasting impression.  His love changed lives.  He said, 

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I tell you:  Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.  He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?  Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others?  Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."  

Grace is given freely to everyone by God so it has to be given freely by we who are his children and I've got a long way to go before I get to perfect.

Hardcore - Part 1

"If I'm told that the road to my glorious destination is marred by loose rocks and potholes, every jolt along the way reminds me that I'm on the right road."  from Chuck Swindoll's commentary on Romans - author's name not mentioned.

Jesus was hardcore.  That's all I can think as I wrestle with the fact that although the spirit of Christ lives in me, I am unlike Him.  The past two weeks have been weird.  I've started to post several times and then have stopped because I can't express or explain what I'm feeling.  Chuck Swindoll's commentary has opened my mind to the reality of grace and the resulting responsibility and all of a sudden I feel like I've been thrown in the fire for testing.  "Let's see how filled with my grace you are Erika - ok go!"

Disappointment, exhaustion, oppression, unmet expectations, anger, contempt, fury, surprise, ridicule, and conflict, are just some of the things I've dealt with these past two weeks and I am tired.  I don't know how He did it. I don't know how Jesus held it together and didn't just bust loose on those who opposed Him.  I don't know how He handled junk so calmly, shrewdly and intelligent - my emotions bog me down every time.  

Did I mention that I'm also battling ants? And that 2 hours ago, the HVAC unit started leaking and now my lower level is soaked?  This morning however, I remembered that Jesus is on the throne and God is in charge of everything so this season will pass.  Right now though, I'm going to squash more bugs - my kids think I'm a little "too happy looking" when I do that - and then I'm going to soak up more water.

Oh yeah.  Tomorrow, I'll tell you how not five minutes ago, I had the pleasure of being verbally abused by my neighbor.  Thank God, tomorrow is another day.

 ` 

My Way

In my last entry, I spoke about "my way" - about how my way can sometimes be annoying to others.  As I continued to think about it, the word obstacle also came up.  My way can also be an obstacle or hinderance to someone else's way or the speed in which someone else does things.  At times, I can be hard on myself but sometimes, my way is the right way.  Sometimes my way is best.  Like right now. Right now, my way makes total sense. 

Last night, my 8-year old son Spike, decided he wanted to learn how to do laundry and he needed to do it immediately because he had a towel that HAD to be washed.  He begged.  He pleaded.  He wrapped his arms around my waist and tried to drag me to the machines but I stood firm and said, "No!"  I was too tired.  This morning, he woke me up.  "Today!  Today, you're going to teach me how to do laundry."  

This is every mother's dream right?  Your SON, begging to take over the wash.  I say, "Yes ladies and gentlemen.  Yes it is. It's the fulfillment of a dream and today's the day!"  I think about how amazed and grateful my future daughter-in-law will be when she learns what a gift her awesome mother-in-law has given her with this training.  So, I gave him a lesson.  I taught him to separate the whites from the darks and the colors.  We poured detergent and pushed buttons and waited.  The laundry turned out great and eventually we went our separate ways.  

As I was getting ready to put Spike to bed tonight he proudly said, "I did another load mom."  

"What do you mean?"  I asked.  "I already put a load in earlier and the load in the dryer isn't done."  

"Yeah.  It's done. I already took it out and put in a new one."  he said.

By now, I'm on my feet.  "What did you do with it?  Where did you put it?" I asked

"It's in my crate." he said, as we walked downstairs together.  "I'm doing a load of greens."

Greens?

We made it to my laundry "closet" and I could hear the sounds of water - lots of water - washing I'm not sure what, but I know it's green.  I noticed the vast array of green clothing still on the floor and wondered exactly what was in there. I located the mystery crate (which turned out to be his hamper) just as my foot slipped in the puddle of detergent on the hardwood floors....OF MY RENTAL HOME.  I explained that it's important to clean up your mess when you're "helping" to do so much laundry and he said, "Don't worry, I'm only washing two things."  That led to a talk about monetary and energy waste. 

I praised his efforts and initiative (which required a definition of initiative) as I took my wet things out of his hamper and put them into the dryer, because after all, I want this to work.  As I was typing this entry I had to stop because I heard some strange noises coming from the laundry closet.  He was standing by the dryer and I looked down to find all the clothes I just loaded in there, still wet and again crumpled up in his hamper. 

I asked him why he'd taken them out and he said, "I needed to put my things in."  I took a look and there they were:  his dad's green shirt and his green towel from last night, along with FOUR dryer sheets.  

Sometimes my way is the best way.  I guess God knew I needed a little pat on the back.  It's a good thing because right now Spike's trying to pull me away from my computer.  He wants a lesson on washing dishes.

The Greenhouse

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:19

When God does a "new thing", I'm often left exhausted.  I've named our new place, "The Greenhouse" because I sense growth is going to take place here for everyone, but especially me.  This whole move has highlighted my tendency to cling to comfortable things.  So that I'm not speaking cryptically, by that I mean, my way.  My way of doing things is sometimes the more difficult route for others and because it's me, it's definitely slower.  This can be annoying, kinda like getting stuck in traffic behind a really slow driver (which could also be me, by the way).  My way also tends choke out the possibility of doing things differently....it's that clinging habit again.  God's clearly shown me that my ways are not His ways, that for the good of the community and others it's in everyone's best interest that I stop fighting.  So I've raised the white flag and surrendered....yet again.

I'm exhausted and I have to admit, a little fearful of facing this new season of growth; I'm also grateful and apprehensively excited.  I know God's called me back into leadership and I'm not sure I'm ready to go. However, if we want to make way for the new things and seasons in life, we have to let go of the past. Letting go of ideas, habits, attitudes, successes and failures we experience in the past is difficult work but I'm going to try to follow the example of the Apostle Paul:

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 3:13-14

Let the growing begin!