LiveSlow

Jesus, walking around

It's 3:33 a.m. and I can't sleep for two reasons.  The first is that I have a sinus infection and my face is killing me - so much that it hurts to keep my head on the pillow. I'm hoping the Tylenol I've taken kicks in soon.  The second reason is that I can't shake an idea, so I'm hoping if I throw it out there and write it down, it will be out of my head, my painful aching head.  

I started thinking about "the walking around Jesus" some months ago.  I've been reading through the Gospels and marvel at the idea that He focused on the people He met while walking around.  He didn't drive past them, fly over them or sail around them, He walked among them.  And while He walked, He changed their lives by loving them, challenging them, and leading them back to God.  He encountered them in His daily life, and ok, He was the Son of God, and was on mission for this, but it was all done during the normal course of His life and travels and He did all that in 3 short years.  He walked a lot.  

I'm walking a lot now too, and so I was wondering if I could lead people back to God simply by focusing on the ones I encounter while walking. If Christ lives IN me, then through His power, this should be possible right?  I'm always walking around my neighborhood.  What if I prayed just for everyone on two streets (the one I live on now and the one I move onto next month) and make them disciples?  The thought intrigues me and exhausts me. In fact, it seems like an awful lot of work and do I really have time for that?  I asked God that a few minutes ago and He answered me twice:  "Yes, actually you do."  and He's right because my schedule is completely clear because I cleared it - I mean, I got nothing going on, at least nothing more important.  Here was the second answer:

The Greatest Commandment

 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Well, that's pretty clear isn't it?  And yet, I can't say I'm up for the challenge and that makes me feel terrible.  But if I can get back to sleep tonight, I'll start walking tomorrow and see what happens.

Trust - Part 2

Ok, it's done!  We've officially been released from the "death pledge".  Did you know the word origin of "mortgage" (mort + gage) literally translates into Death Pledge?  I'd also heard it meant "Death Grip", but whatever, because I don't have one anymore!!!  We are now half a million dollars more free than we were an hour ago.  Here's something weird though.  We're not sure who we sold the house to.

 For the past 9 months we've been renting to a very distinctly Asian family with a teenaged son. My old neighbor tells me they're really quiet and they hardly ever leave the house, but the son, a high-schooler, is nice.  They're rent check always came a little bit early and they never complained or asked us to fix anything, even though there were definitely things wrong with the house.  The Title company they arranged the settlement through was a very distinctly Asian settlement company. I wasn't there (I did everything via power of attorney), but after it was done, my husband called and said.   "If you had been at this settlement, who would you have expected to show up at the other end?"  "The ------ family, the buyers."  I said.  "Exactly!"  he replied.  "However, a very American and very tall white doctor was signing the papers."  My husband, trying to figure it out, began asking him a few questions about the family that lives in our house and the name of the guy we've been dealing with, but he had no idea who he was talking about. Not wanting to press him further he just decided to leave it a mystery.  My husband said, "Now, I'm sitting there and I know I'm not drunk and I know I'm not in the Twilight Zone, but I'm thoroughly confused." My husband encouraged him about the sale, because the doctor was concerned about the market continuing to drop. 

I guess we traded places with him in a way.  We let go of this house so we could be free and because prices were dropping.  He bought it and not 15 minutes into the ownership, started carrying the burden of it. I'm going to pray for the guy though, and hope he and his family enjoy living there.  

As for me, I say - "Whatever."  God answered our prayer, and it just goes to show that even when you think you know what's going to happen, you really don't.

Trust

"Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."  Romans 15:5,6

Trust in God.

In God we trust. 

Do I really TRUST God?  Whenever I discover a spiritual deficiency in myself, first I'm astounded ( as in, I had no idea I truly felt that way!) and then filled with gratitude at the level of God's patience with me.  The long time between posts here, is actually a witness to that spiritual deficiency.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about sin, I'm talking about slowly discovering some things about myself.  

In a previous post entitled  "Finding", I cryptically spoke of an "it" - a thing my husband and I didn't agree upon.  I can now tell you that the "it" was the sale of our home.  You see, for almost 6 months I've been praying about being debt free and wanting to work toward being totally debt free.  The idea is thrilling and freeing to me, but my husband is a business guy and an investor, so we see things differently.  Awhile ago, when I brought up the idea of selling our home and not having a mortgage, he said, "I don't believe in it."  I was amazed, understanding - he's a property owner, his dad was a property investor, his mom is as well, and that's the way it's always been - it's a game he enjoys.   However, over the past several months, he's been warming to the idea.  I guess that's all it took because God has done some amazing work in his heart, and once he let go, it was like a snowball rolling downhill.

Today at 1:00, we settle on the sale of our home and will be one step closer to being debt free.  Where do I fit in?  I haven't wanted to talk about it, lest I "jinx" it somehow.  However, God has spent time this week talking to me about my limited ability to change plans He's put into place. I'm embarrassed to admit that - really, as if I'm queen of the world!  Let me be clear, this IS a God thing and has little to do with me, except it's an answer to my prayers and of course I'm extremely grateful.  As soon as my husband opened his heart to the idea, God took over.  The people buying our house are buying it in cash and the time from sale to settlement was 10 days.  I could wait the 3.5 hours between now and then to hit the "send" button on this post (just to make sure the sale is complete and the settlement is done) but where's the trust in that.  Thank you Father, for your patience and provision.  Here goes!

Chaperone Update

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.  Hebrews:13:2

It's official - my roller coaster riding days are over; when you're over 40, getting your head bashed around at high speeds is no longer thrilling.  As I look back on our trip to the music festival, which was conveniently located in an amusement park, that's one of my big takeaways.  The other, is that teenagers are more fun than I thought.  Thank you all for covering us in prayer - we had a great time and I managed to stay awake for 22.5 hours (this is like a miracle). 

I met the girls at 4:30 in the morning and to my surprise, I was chaperoning 9, not 6 like I thought.  I knew some of them and Kacy was very polite - addressing me as "Yes ma'am" although it clearly pained her to do so.  She later told Miss Sassy that she was trying very hard to control her anger because she didn't want to get kicked off this trip - a big deal for her as she'd been kicked off previous fun trips. 

An odd thing happened though and I'll leave you to ponder it....We stopped for breakfast at a planned stop between a McDonald's and a Bojangles. Chaperones were allowed to eat first, so Little Mama and I chose to go to McDonald's.  As we ordered, we realized all the computers were down and they were doing everything by hand.  Because we were in a time crunch (and the McDonald's people couldn't do math), we herded 75 kids into Bojangles.  My group staggered in the door and were doing this quirky teenage thing where they cluster together in small groups and collectively cut in front of people.  There was an old man in his late 70's or early 80's standing in line and I watched them form a cluster and scoot in sideways.  "Hey guys."  I yelled.  "Please get BEHIND the gentleman in line."  They did so and Little Mama and I sat and waited for them to order and eat.  I observed him because he was wearing a distinctively crisp blue uniform of some sort and I was trying to figure out where he could possibly work.  When he'd gotten his food, he approached my table and said, "Are you the leader of these young ladies?"  I warily said, "Of some of them." There were, after all, over 75 kids in the restaurant and I was waiting for him to tell me about some infraction he saw while in line with them.  "Hold on." He said.  "I have something for you."  He left and walked out to his car. Just then, one of my girls, Lisa, rushes to my table and says, "Miss Erika, he gave us gum."  "What? He gave gum to who?" I asked.  "To me and Kacy.  He gave me and Kacy gum!"  At that point, Kacy takes a pack of Juicy Fruit out of her pocket and smiles.  "We're not gonna eat it though, cuz what if it's poisoned!"  

I was thoroughly confused.  I peeked out the window, saw him walking back in and went to the door to meet him.  He was carrying 3 huge bags of candy - I mean industrial sized unopened bags of wrapped candy and he thrust them toward me.  "Well, thank you." I said.  "What's this for?"  He just nodded, smiled, turned around and left. By this time, the whole restaurant was watching and the kids and teachers were fascinated. Now what are the odds that out of at least 100 people in that restaurant, I get the candy and the only people he gives gum to is Lisa and Kacy?  It turned out to be a great icebreaker and a huge hit on the bus.  We all agreed that ordinarily we wouldn't take candy from strangers, but this wasn't an ordinary stranger.  I have not been able to stop thinking about him.

We finally made it to the park and I ended up with 3 more girls somehow. The kids got an "Excellent" rating on their performance and personally, an "excellent" behavior rating from me.  I rode a high thrill coaster with Lisa (because everyone else was too scared) and Little Mama did witness Kacy steal a piece of candy from a store, (a tiny piece she assured me) but she was too afraid to say anything to her.  That was wise on her part because I could tell Kacy was struggling to hold it together by the time we got back.  All in all, it was a great experience and when they get to high school next year, I'll already have a relationship with 11 of them.  Thanks again for praying!

Chaperone

There are so many scriptures that come to mind right now, but unfortunately I don't have time to look them up because I'm on my way to a volunteer commitment.  Maybe you could post an appropriate one in the comment section of this post?  

I need to be covered in prayer, starting now and through tomorrow.  I'm chaperoning an all day field trip with the Middle School Chorus to a Music Festival.  That's not why I need prayer, although I think that's reason enough.  Yesterday I asked Miss Sassy, "So, have you heard any more details about the trip?"  She looked at me and said, "Oh yeah. The worst thing that could happen has happened.  You're gonna like the girls, but mom!  You got the worst one of all!" 

"Good."  I said, and she laughed.  "Oh, no.  You don't understand! You got Kacy and Kacy's the worst girl in the school; I was praying you wouldn't have to deal with her.  She's mean.  She's gonna cuss you out and she doesn't care about anyone."  She gave me the names of the other girls in my group.  They're the girls who practically live at our house on weekends and the ones who recently asked Jesus into their lives.  

"I'm not afraid of her honey, she sounds like me.  I think I was Kacy."  I got the big eye-roll on that one.  No one believes that I was a hateful teenager and young adult, but trust me, my peers remember.  The girls who suffered because of me remember.  

I told Miss Sassy, "You know God did this right?"  "Yeah, I know."  She sighed.  "It's gonna be ok." 

I started praying as soon as I heard, but now am asking for prayer from the body of Christ on this one.  We leave at 4:30 in the morning and don't return until midnight the following day and if you know me, you know I don't do well with lack of sleep.  I've also learned a little more about Kacy, which now makes me understand that we're similar, but there are also differences.  She's violent.  I was a mean bully, but since I was 90 pounds wasn't physically violent.  She's been suspended twice and sent to special schools.  She's had multiple violations; for pushing kids down flights of stairs and kicking a boy in the face.  She's also bi-sexual and possibly uses it as a form of intimidation against other kids.  She's already a legend in school. This morning, when I asked Little Mama about her, she confirmed everything but said, "she can also be sweet you know.  And I think she likes Miss Sassy, but not in THAT way - as a friend."

Please pray for patience for me and my girls (all 6 of them).  Little mama got invited to go on this trip yesterday, - the only sixth grader to be invited.  I believe God is surrounding Kacy with Jesus Christ in the form of His followers.  Please pray for grace - that she's bathed in it and that we reflect it.  She's obviously angry and wounded and needs to feel His love.    Thanks!

A New Adventure

"Don't be afraid; just believe." Jesus (Mark 5:36)

We're on our way again - yep, it's official - we're moving!  Tonight I attended a PTA appreciation event.  As listened to our Middle School principal thank us for volunteering, I was in awe of God and the way He works.  This time last year, I was living in a different state and I was wrestling with His calling.  He was calling me to leave my home, my family, my job and my church and follow Him into the unknown and I was terrified.  I didn't know where we were going to live, what school my children would attend or what our new lives would be like.  I was full of fear, but freed from the bondage of it - I determined to follow afraid.  When I decided to enroll my kids in public school for the first time in their lives, I wrestled with the choice of school God was calling us to.  Frankly, it didn't have the best reputation, the test scores didn't measure up to some of the others in the area and I was concerned about safety.  Tonight, in that PTA meeting, I reflected back on my experience with the kids I met and how rich my life is because of them.  Three of my daughter's new school friends accepted Christ as their savior this year simply because of her influence. The principal announced during the meeting that according to the new rankings, our school was now the safest around and that we were improving in almost every area.  

Walking into the unknown IS fearful, but it's where adventure waits.  This new journey won't take us far; we're literally moving into the house behind us.  I counted and it's 12 steps away, but there's still the unknown of the "why?".  Are we moving just because God gave us a gift?  If so, then yipee!  Are we moving there because there are some seriously hurting people who need to know Christ?  Is God just continuing to help me smash the "stability" idol I've worshiped for so long?  I don't have the answers to any of those questions and it's none of my business.   I'm still determined to follow and this time, much less afraid.

Crappy Mother's Day!

Mothers Day: . I woke up and had a lovely quiet time with coffee, my Bible and my God and after about an hour, things started to go downhill.  Miss Sassy was the first to wake and came downstairs frowning, disheveled and hunched over.   "I can't move." she said.  Then I noticed the pain on her face.  Seven hours of grueling cheerleading tryouts the day before, sore muscles and the disappointment of not making the squad soured her mood.  "What are the plans for today?" she asked.  "'Cause I just want to rent a movie and sit."  "Well, first we're going to church, then to lunch and then the beach." I said.  "I'm not feeling well!" she yelled.  I cheerfully explained that if she could sit around watching movies, then she could sit at church and at the beach - no movement required  "Fine! I'll go to the stupid beach."  Church wasn't mentioned and she sat, eyes downcast, staring at the floor.  I had to take a deep breath and walk away.  I asked her to get ready and found her, 20 minutes later, lying in bed. As I walked back downstairs I said, "Thanks for today.  It's all about you I guess and you didn't even say Happy Mother's Day.  I guess it's actually Crappy Mother's Day."  Silence

I muttered to myself and the anger distracted me as I tried to pick out my clothes so I did something drastic.  I shaved my legs.  Yes!  I decided I wasn't going to let a bratty teenager ruin the day with my other two children.  I was going to put on a dress (I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl) and celebrate my day, my way.  I made myself pretty, got Spike and Little Mama ready and headed toward the door.  By this time, Miss Sassy had come downstairs and I could tell she was disturbed by my activity and utter lack of dramatic yelling.  "What are we going to do when we get back?"  Spike asked on the way out.  "After I clean up a bit and we have lunch, we're going to the beach together." I said as I shut the door.  We left disheveled Miss Sassy to her own devices.  It was tough, and I prayed my way through it; Mom guilt plagued me the entire ride to church.  "God. Help me to be a good parent.  Soften her heart, convict her deeply and help me remain soft."  God always comes through. 

He brought my 14-year old self to mind; I shuddered as I remembered the time my mom gave me $ 25.00 to buy a gift for my dad on Father's Day.  I went to the mall, bought a couple pack of cigarettes for me and my friends.  I ate a cheeseburger and an ice cream Sundae at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlour and ended up with (gulp) 11.00 left over.  I subsequently got busted by my mom for the smokes, endured her rage at my disrespect for her and my dad and had to watch him open the gift, the gift that every dad wants.....a white porcelain mouse, arms wide open with a red scroll that said, "I Love You This Much."  He was speechless and I'll never forget the shame I felt at that moment.  Sometimes silence says more than words, so I decided to remain silent and give it over to God.

The church service was amazing and the message was on....rules and rebellion. Pastor Jeff spoke about our own rebellion toward God and cracked us up with stories from his own life. I thought about my husband and I - both rebels - and realized there's a good chance we'd pass that tendency down to our own kids. My heart softened and my crappy Mother's Day got better.  Still, I was prepared to let my silence speak the words I couldn't.   As I turned the key in the lock to our house, I could hear music blasting inside.  I sarcastically thought, "Well, how nice for her, she got to stay home and enjoy herself."  We walked in and right away I noticed something different.  The house was sparkling.  I mean, the place was literally shiny and beautiful.  I couldn't help but smile and she, sitting on the couch, no longer disheveled, was sparkling too.  I silently hugged her.  "I'm sorry."  she said as she hugged back.  I thanked her for the work she'd done and she said, "I heard you say you were going to have to clean when you came home so I did it for you."  She led me through the house - she'd even cleaned my bathroom and I didn't have to clean one thing. We ended the day together, the Rebel, Spike and Little Mama, went to see "How to Train Your Dragon" at the movies.  A happy mother's day after all.

Full Life

"The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.  My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."        Jesus (John 10:10)

Mother guilt is one of the most self defeating emotions a woman can feel.  I should know, I've struggled with it for years.  In fact, I was just researching a date in one of my old journals and found this entry:

"I am still not able to balance well - home, work, and desire, but I feel like I'm supposed to do it all.  There is a piece of the puzzle I'm missing, a time element that I could be utilizing...time is killing me again."

My problem wasn't lack of time.  God gives us all the same 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year - we are all given exactly the same amount.  What was wrong with me?  I know I'm not alone in feeling that something was wrong with me.  I frequently hear exhausted women complain about lack of quality family time, snapping at their kids and the inability or energy to take care of themselves.  They're too tired to nurture critical friendships, have sex with their husbands and often don't pursue activities and dreams that supply life giving energy.  Last year was a particularly difficult year for me in many ways.  Not in busyness, I was busy, but by then I'd learned how to say "no" and I said it to everyone and almost everything.  This wasn't because I had firm boundaries (although I was working on boundaries) but because I was so burnt out and sick that I thought I'd die if I didn't.  

The thief had come and taken.  Now, almost a year later I'm in a figuratively, and literally different place and I thank God for carrying me here.  Why do we do it ladies?  Why cram our lives with unimportant crap?  For whom do we do it?  It's not the life God has in mind for us.  I thank God for full life in Christ - all the parts of it - the deep and the shallow.  God's mixed my passions, gifts and desires all together and produced fruit....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. Am I perfect?  No way!  Is he finished?  No, but I'm on the way. Did He have to smack me around a bit?  Tons!  Is it worth it?  Absolutely!  

Time wasn't my enemy, but my enemy used time against me.  Now, I'm using it against him (sucka).  I'm focusing on passion, gifts and dreams and using them for God's glory - but it's taking time.  One of my passions is gardening and since I no longer have land of my own, I've had to be creative with containers.  I was planting the other day and Miss Sassy said, "Mom, I don't know why you bother, you just end up killing everything."  (Get behind me Satan)  I thought about it and said, "That was the old me, the one who didn't have time to pay attention and care for what I was trying to grow." 

 Don't get frustrated with the dead and empty areas of your life...

Don't let Satan gain even a little bit of ground.

Allow God to grow you and produce fruit that means something to both of you and be patient, these things take time.

Joy will follow.

Incidentally, in no way do I think Miss Sassy is Satan, but he doesn't care who he uses.  About my little garden, all of my kids encourage me and say, "Wow mom, they're actually growing! You're doing a good job."  But I've just planted and watered - God's taking care of the growth. 

 

 

Mothering Matters

In the spirit of Mother's Day, I felt compelled to post this.  On Father's Day I'll talk about dads:)

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her...."  Proverbs 31:28  

   In the study notes of my Bible, it says this (about this kind of woman): "While she receives material reward (v.22), the praise and success she labored to bring to her family and community will be her praise.  The result of all her efforts is her best eulogy.  

Mothering matters.  Awhile ago I attended the funeral of one of my husband's aunts who died of cancer. The service was typical of the type within our large family, until her son got up to speak. No one thought he should do this, and I agreed.  Not because it wasn't right, but because it was too soon.  Grieve and let the professionals handle it, I thought.  The mourners were silent and uncomfortable as he got up and began to speak.  He said a few words about how much she meant to him and quickly broke down, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.   Within seconds, the hundreds of people in the funeral home began weeping too, a mass of sobs and sniffles.  I wanted to rescue him. I wanted him to stop, not only because I hadn't seen a man cry like that, but because my throat began to close and I couldn't breathe.  His words literally took my breath away.  My heart felt like it was being crushed within my chest.  

He spoke of her strength and her sacrifice and credited her for his life, his success, his significance.  He spoke about the hole her death left in his heart and how worried he'd been until God had comforted him just that morning.  He read and sobbed his way through the reading of a children's book and when he was done, I felt like giving him a standing ovation.  When it was my turn to offer condolences to him and his sister in the receiving line, I could barely choke out my sentiment, "You honored your mom and said what every mother wants to hear."  He and his sister didn't only celebrate her in death though, they celebrated, revered and loved her in life too.  They supported her during their teenage years when her husband died, stood by her through her own health battles and devoted themselves to her at the end of life.  This matters greatly to God.  So much so, that honoring our parents is one of the ten commandments. 

At the end of his life, while hanging on the cross, Jesus made provision for his own mother:  "Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene.  When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother."  From that time on, this disciple took her into his home."  John 19:25-27

I've been thinking a lot about my own mother lately and the other "mothers" I've had in my life.  Do we worship motherhood?  No, but we recognize how important family is to God.  He calls us His own children and desires that we all be reconciled to Him.  It's time we women rise up and embrace the gift that God has given us - the ability to bear children, disciple them and send them out as a witness to God's love and grace.    I've also been thinking about my own mothering, or lack thereof.  I struggle between the desire to mother, which I feel is placed there by God, and the desire for personal success, which I'm pretty sure is mostly selfishness.  I want both, but not at the cost of my children, because at the end of the day, I want a eulogy like that one.  Celebrate your mom.

Finding

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."  (Jesus) Matt 10:39

 I just had a weird flash of "What if" thought while meditating on God's awesomeness.  I'll have to provide a bit of back story in order for you to understand it.  My husband and I are not on the same page about many things in life, and this causes a level of conflict within my heart.  I learned years ago that God has a way and an order of things, and my first priority is to yield to Him in all of it.  It means that I put myself, my thoughts and ideas aside and just let go.  It's wonderful in theory - it's called submission - but very difficult in practice, especially if I want to get my own way with things (which is fairly often).  

This morning was one of those times.  I want my way on something and my husband, "does not believe in it". The "it" in question is a biblically sound and wise way of living, but I'm not in the business of controlling anyone's beliefs and I know there's no sense in arguing, so I've remained patient and in prayer.  Also, know that I've been in prayer about this thing for over a full year now, so being patient about something often means what you want can take a really, really, long time - which ironically requires patience.  Thank God for the fruit of the spirit.  

Anyway, back to my story.  This morning, out of the blue, the subject of "it" comes up again.  I wearily explain my point of view and return to my room because I'm sick with some kind of bug and really don't want to be bothered.  My husband gets a phone call - which I'm not paying any attention to - and then comes in the room, tosses his Iphone on the bed and commands me to read.  The Iphone contains an e-mail from a professional with her recommendation about the "it".  The e-mail outlines perfectly everything I've been saying and backs it up with numbers, statistics and data (which is something my husband needs for his own peace of mind.).  He says, "OK".  OK! He agrees that we need to do this. 

 I had to get down on my knees and Thank God for his provision.  He's provided another voice of reason to gently change the heart of my husband.  In my amazement, the scripture above came to my mind and the "What if" thoughts as well.  

"What if.... it were as easy as just letting go?

  "What if.....I'd have been practicing that letting go all along?

    "What if.....I really lose my life on everything?  I wonder what I will find and yet know that it's not my business.

         "What if....all those things I thought I "should do" were not according to His plan anyway?

The word "lose" in that passage means to "destroy utterly" and the word "find" to gain/obtain.  The key however is in the phrase "for my sake".  What it boils down to is trust.  Do I trust God and do I live for His sake?  Do you?